Punishing our kids for having done or said something wrong! Who doesn't or who didn't !
Well, punishment is a "fear-based" parenting method that urgently needs to be replaced by new ways of shifting to family relationships that promote unconditional love, positive self-wroth, open communication, healthy self-esteem , compassion and responsibility and cooperation.
Big words ?
OK, let's start all over again !
What is Punishment ?
There are two kinds of punishment - psychological and physical. Psychological punishment can be verbal or non-verbal threats that instill fear or damage a child's self-image; physical punishment can be slapping, spanking or pulling hair, causing a child physical pain with the intent of associating the child's undesirable behavior with pain. FEAR is the natural result.
As a method of controlling others, punishment is a powerful tool. When children are afraid, parents have incredible control over them. How does fear of parents affect children? They will be on edge, anxious and out of balance. Clearly, children do not function at their best when they are in fear. For that reason, punishment works against a child's ability to develop into a thinking, loving and confident person.
The use of punishment creates resistance, rebellion, lying or begrudging compliance. As a method for controlling children, it works, at best, on a short-term basis, and is likely to work mostly when the punisher is present. The moment the punisher leaves, the temptation to continue the inappropriate behavior can be overwhelming, as misbehavior becomes an assertion of their desire to be self-determined.
Many of us determine our self-worth based on others' opinions, which is called being "out-directed", i.e. if others approve of us, we are worthy. If others disapprove of us, we feel we must not be worthy. We can only develop the confidence needed to take action and be fully responsible for our choices when our self-worth is internally based, i.e. we are "inner-directed".
Initially, parents are the only people children know to look to in order to find a sense of self. If the parents hold an unaccepting and critical view of their children very early in life (through psychological and/or physical punishment), their children will believe "I am unworthy because I am a bad person" When parents view their children in a more positive way, the children are more likely to see themselves as important, worthy and good people. This helps children become "inner-directed", which what we all want our children to be, because we will not be around them all the time to "direct" them.
It takes a lot of effort to make the shift
* From: authoritarian power To: shared power/team building
* From: win/lose conflict To: win/win with cooperation
* From: expectation of conformity To: appreciation of diversity
* From: catching them being bad To: catching them being good
* From: power struggles To: conflict resolution
* From: passive aggressive To: assertive communication
* From: verbal/physical abuse To: promotion of self-esteem
* From: PUNISHMENT To: DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE
It does take a lot of effort, but the good news that it works and that it is not only dead words on screens!!!
" Here is a little known psychological truth - a paradox, too:
you acquire more influence with young people when you give up using your power to control them!"says Dr. Thomas Gordon author of Discipline that Works.
Character Stations
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